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Reluctant Stay At Home Mom…

I have been a stay at home mom going on 2 years, don’t get me wrong I love it and everything these two have brought to my live.

But I have been working since I was 14, baby sitting and I was a summer nanny to 2 kids one summer. Then at 16/17 I started cleaning wellsite trailer for my uncles leasing and fabrication company, that moved me into customer service at movie rental places, gas stations and a grocery store! I worked all through high school, did bad things and even got myself fired from a job back then. At 21 I started working as my moms assistant doing HR and payroll and rolled out to helping accounts payable, accounts receivable, and the accountant department. I learned I have a knack for certain things, and I took that knack to a 3 day course to become a book keeper. And then at 23 I started at my last job and was there for almost 5 years, and I loved it so so much. But many factors came into play and here I am at home with 2 little toddlers, and a list of things to do that I cant seem to motivate myself to do.

I do dishes, I cook, I tidy and I make sure the kids are bathed with clean clothes always, but my house has gathered clutter and I look at it and say it needs to be delt with but never really get to it.

I am a part time single mom, my husband is home 1 week a month and the routine is just out the window during that one week. I am ok with it, but now as I don’t have a real house cleaning routine, and no real motivation to gut my house it takes me a week after he leaves to get everything back in a functioning order.

I love being the one who gets to bond with my kids and see them grow into little amazing people. I have thought about going back to work on more than one occasion, but it’s not possible to do. Day care averages for my childre , $850 a month for my daughter, and $850 a month for my son, and my son is only part time Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays because he is in school 4 hours a day, and I cannot work Wednesdays because those are important meetings, trips, and many other things that are school related with my son. As you may remember from many many posts about this, Spud is delayed due to his prematurity, so keeping in constant communications with his school is key, and I am a hands on mom when it comes to that, I would rather hear it from the horses mouth than second hand. I have played way to many games of Telephone as a child to know that this would not end well. 

You might be thinking, how are trips useful, well they teach skills, and are fun for the little kids, weren’t field trips fun for you in school? But, with all these dilemmas the one thing that hurts is due to the fact that life costs money and I cannot make any, my husband is working camp jobs and losing time with his kids, seeing them grow up through pictires and videos. If I could I would change places with him, but I can’t, my skills are set to start at $18.00 an hour and cap around $25.00 an hour, where as my husbands start at $22.00 and hour and can cap at $45.00 or better. We are just starting his career here, so we are still on the low end when it comes to supporting a family of 4 and a Bijoux, so I am the reluctant stay at home mom. 
I love it…. But I also hate it….. 
-Ashton <3

I Feel Alone

I FEEL ALONE

 

Hey There Everyone,

 

I have always thought I was a strong person, I always thought that I could tackle most things that have been placed in my way. But I am having issues being the strong one these days. I feel like there are very few people who really understand what I am going through and I am having a very hard time in figuring out, how to be that strong person I once was. The mom who walked into the NICU with a smile for 157 days, the mom who learned every last thing she could about having an O2 dependent baby and still get groceries and live life as best we could.

I was a strong mom every time we walked into the preemie follow up clinics, and knew they were going to tell me a long list of things we will need to work on. We did, and I was a strong person when we got pregnant again. After one miscarriage, and a severely premature baby, I was strong and held on as much hope and strength I could muster in those 41 weeks. We did it, we had our full term baby, there were some meltdowns, but really who wouldn’t expect them from a preemie mom, pregnant again chock full of hormones and PTSD.

I am a part time single mom these days, my husband’s job has taken him to work out of town, I have my parents close but they both work full time still as they are the young hip kind of grandparents, my best friends are 45 minute and 2.5 hours away. I talk to them all the time but it’s not that easy to just load my kids up and go to the park these days, my son is way too busy, he has no fear and is very friendly, and my daughter puts EVERTHING in her mouth. So going to the park I have Princess Tally in the stroller at all times, and trying to follow Spud as he climbs over EVERYTHING trying to jump off things and just running off because he thinks it’s funny.

I know this is all part and parcel of being a 3 year old, but it also has a lot to do with how his brain is wired due to his disorders.  He doesn’t fully understand what is going on, and my husband is amazing and tries so very hard to help me when he is home, but our routine is different than it is with me so the kids look for me, knock on the door. I am the one who runs the household, I make sure bills are paid, money is where it should be, groceries, attempting to clean the house, doctors, specialists, watching all the food intake of both kids, how much juice they are having over water. I am a mom, I know this is what stay at home moms do, and I know that there are moms who are worse off than I am. I get that I do, I am not saying my plight is worse than theirs,  I am saying in my situation I am unsure how much longer I can be the strong on. I am the mom of a special needs child, and his needs are not visible. I had a little boy ask me why my son talks funny, I never thought he talked funny, and I just said that he needs a little more help learning to talk, and what came out of his mouth just blew my mind…

“Did you not teach him right or is he just stupid?” and his dad just stood there looking at me, as if I am supposed to answer that…. The moms who deal with this daily, I am sorry, I feel for you and you ladies are strong, you fathers who deal with this daily, you are strong and brave parents and I will ALWAYS make sure my children know that is not right, you don’t stare you don’t point, you are kind and make friends with everyone. We are not the same but we are all amazing and equal.

I am alone, and I don’t feel like I can be strong very much longer, but I know also, that after this pity party, I will go kiss my sleeping babies on their heads, pick up the toys, load the dishwasher, go to bed and do what I need to do and make sure my kids are happy, healthy and always get what they need in life.

 

I know it’d my first blog post in a long while and it’s whiney and all over the place, but I needed to get this out. No matter the special need of your child you do feel alone at some point, and it may go away, it may stay a while but you never give up, even when you think you might.

 

It took me a week to write this, my son had had cabin fever and decided to not listen and always play rough with his baby sister. It’s been hard and I have called my mom friends and my mom in tears a few times because it was that hard, and my son would run as soon as the door was opened and I am alone so I would have to pick up the baby and boot after my son or worst leave her alone in the living room and get him, only for a minute but it’s still never safe. I was at a loss, I called the Doctors in the clinic and its all part of his disorders and he needs to be in school in the fall. I am hoping we can get this done and ready very soon.

I am sorry for the rambling post; I will have better ones out soon. I promise,

Thank you for reading, if you like what I do here please Like, Comment, and follow me on my Social Media.

Love, Hearts, and Other Pretty Things.

-Ashton <3

What Is Happening?

Well, I will tell you what is happening, this summer and my sons special needs came into the front line and they took the lead. I need to focus on my kids, I am a part time single mom. My husband is home 1 week a month, and I am alone to make sure my son is getting the attention he needs to get ready for school, then I also need to make sure my daughter isn’t being left behind either and all her needs are being met, and she is getting all the love she needs and wants. And cook, clean, get groceries and try not to lose my sanity. 
The Mommy Book Club is suspended for the time being due tonthe fact I dont have time. My, me alone mommy time is a shower before I pass out in bed for my mandated 4 hours of sleep. 

My kids have also felt the need for naps or sleep in general are fornthe weak and are no longer needed. As well as fighting EVERY meal I make for them. 

I am currently trying to put them down for an afternoon nap, my daughter is laughing and squealing in bed, while my son kicks his door shouting that he is knocking….. I have cheerioes from one end of my house to the other, as well as toys. I have found all missing sippy cups shoved in my couch, chair and clean laundry baskets. 

My husband was just home which means that there is about 4x more tjings to do, and I love my son byt his branf of helping…. Isn’t what I need right now. 
So that is what has been happening, I will try to get back on a rhythm of posting, as well as finish moving old posts over to here. Please be patient, we are all parents and family people, and my kids come first right now.
I love you all for being patient, thanks so much. 
Please stalk me on social media:

Twitter: @Ourpreemie

Instagram: @Ourpreemie

Facebook: Our Preemie Family

Or email me ashton@ourpreemiefamily.ca
Thank you for reading, I am off to find a wuby….. 

Lots of love and Pretty Things

Ashton <3

I Thought We Beat The Odds

I Thought We Beat The Odds

When my water broke at 22 weeks my son was given 0% of survival, when he was born at 24 weeks and 2 days he was given a 55% chance of survial with 65% chance of long term health issued. We beat those odds.

When he was 4 days old they started scanning him for brain bleeds, they are extremely common in micro preemies, we beat those odds too and had not a single brain bleed. At 3.5 months old they told us he had ROP and needed laser eye surgery, he didn’t need glasses till 2 and it was just for near sightedness. 

We started crawling, talking and walking and to everyone around him is a normal happy healthy almost 3 year old boy. We had beaten all the odds stacked against micro preemie, I have had many doctors look at him and how my sweet little Spud acts and then look at his medical history and they have a hard time believing that is the same little boy they see in front of them. We had beaten all the odds!

Or ,so I thought….

On April 20th of this year, we met with the Preemie Follow Up Clinic, these awesome groups of doctors and specialists track the progress of many many different Preemies that have gone through Stollery Hospital doors.  Our appointment was from 9 am till noon, we were to meet with a psychologist, a speech and language specialist, an occupational therapist, as well as a doctor and nurse to address any long term concerns we may have, and to also chart his growth, as well as any nutritional and dietary needs he may need. 

Now, I wont go into to much detail, because it is private medical information. The long short if it is, we have delays, significant delays that now require him to attend a special pre-school, at 3 years old. We fell pray to being a mom and dad, seeing all the awesome things our kid was doing but not asking questions about it. 

So now, we as a family have to make a new plan, a plan to fix the delays, to give my son the best possible chance at a normal school experience when he is older. To show him how hard work and determination beat every obstacle in our paths.

We not have beat all the Preemies odds, but we can beat this. We can do this! 

Thank you for reading, if you like what I do here please Like, Comment, and follow me on my Social Media.

Love, Hearts, and Other Pretty Things.

-Ashton <3

Mommy Groups

I am a part of a few mommy groups but there is one I post in quite a lot in one of them because the admins are great and keep a lot of people in check. There is a lot less negativity there and next to no mommy shamming, I have done a post about mommy shamming in person but the most common kind of mommy shamming is online. The power of the pen and anonymity makes people a lot braver and bolder with what they say to other people.

Mommy groups were made for all of us moms to talk to each other, get advice, vent about kids, husbands and life. We need that outside of our friends sometimes, sometimes we need the advice of people at a different part of life to help with what we are doing right now. You can get 2 to 100 comments on a post depending on the topic.

Even in the best of Mommy Facebook groups there are those moms who will bring you down when you are feeling your worst. There are moms who vent about their kids and how they are acting, how they can’t handle it and ask other moms how they dealt with it. They will get 100 comments that are nice and helpful about the situation at hand, but then that one comes in. That one that either has a snarky undertone, or just comes across as just plain mean. That is the one that is going to stick with you the entire time.

Mommy Facebook groups are not for the faint of heart, whether it be what people reply to your posts, what  people ask, or some of those pictures that get posted! Its a scary place where a lot of drama can take place if you let it. BUT, it is also a place rich with so many wonderful ladies who have either gone through the same thing or a similar situation, and are willing to help you out as much as you need.

You need to take your time and observe the Mommy Facebook groups you have joined for a bit and see the goings on in each group before you commit to the one you are going to post a lot into. All of the above is my opinion only, and I am here to present all that I can to you lovely people! SO, I posted 3 questions to the mamas in two of the Mommy Facebook Groups I am a part of, and one mom stated what keeps her coming back is she has a place to go to vent and not worry about people bashing her. Another mom put:

“I really want to be able to go to a place that is unbiased and non-judgmental. A place where even if I’ve never met them in real life, I know the moms have my back and I can say (just about) anything without being afraid to do so.”  -Mama Ronni

 The 3 Questions I posted were as follows:

  1. What are topics you really want to avoid in a Mommy Facebook group?
  2. What are the things that keep you coming back for more?
  3. What are the things you look for in a Mommy Facebook group?

What topics a lot if not all are saying they want to avoid in these groups are topics along the lines of, Circumcision, breast feeding vs formula feeding; they are OK with as asking for advice if you are doing one or the other but please don’t take poll before your baby is here, that can just get nasty. A few other topics that can get touchy are car seat rules and laws, as the box and instructions state one thing, each county, state, province and country does have its own rules and regulations that you should follow, if you are not sure police stations and pediatricians will be a good source of information for you. Politics and religion are 2 very big topics that also should be avoided in these groups.

What keeps these lovely mamas coming back for more is a mixture of having a place that you can just blow off steam about your kids, your husband, partner or any member of your family or extended family and not be met with judgment and negativity. There are a lot of tips being passed around as they work for certain moms, for potty training, snacks and meal for fussy and picky eaters, things along those lines. Name calling is only allowed towards Mother-In-Law’s (or any inlaw/family member) who deserve it, baby daddy’s who are as useful as tits on a bull, Baby Daddy’s Girl Friends who cant seem to stay on their side of the parenting line, and creepy men/coworkers that cant catch a hint.  Sanctimommies are welcome, but be warned you start any shit they will come after you with a verbal vengeance. There is also a lot of humor and honesty that it put out there to bring some lightness to some serious topics, despite a lot of the ugly that pops up these moms do support and care about one another, even if miles separate them, there is a closeness between a few of them.

“Some moms can really encourage and give you support especially when you are stressed or down.” – Mama Leslie

What is looked for in a successful group is the type of advice that is being given, making sure there is no shaming or making a mom feel worse than she already does. There is a HUGE difference between constructive criticism/advice that takes you in a different direction from a different point of view, and just flat out shaming this poor mama for something that is Nine times out of ten, out of her hands in the hands of the terrible one, I mean the kids….. You don’t always have to agree because lets face it, we never do on a lot of topics, but as long and you are respectful and see in some way what they are saying, that is a big thing they look for in a group. Being a mom is hard, and we all do it the best we can in different ways, so support is a very big thing that is needed in the groups, some people are so far from family and friends and need some sort of support system and these groups can be it, and we need to make sure they stay safe and supportive for that, and many other reasons.

“I am a first time mom..So seeing another mom mess up worst or just like me makes me feel like I am not so bad at this mom thing. We all try are hardest and a group is supposed to be there to raise people up.” – Mama Rebecca

This is the true story of what I think and feel as well as what other moms think and feel about Mommy Facebook Groups.

Thank You for reading, please Like, Comment, and follow me on social media.

Love, Hearts, and Pretty Things

Ashton <3

Welcome

Welcome To Our Preemie Family 2.0!

Here we are, starting over Fresh, what a vast place of possibility!

The grownups have left me unattended with a computer, internet access and a blog! Mwahaha! I cannot wait to see what trouble I can cause here.

Well, we all know, well if you followed my last blog, I am far to lazy and busy to cause to much trouble, but the kids on the other hand, you will be here in the front seat watching what goes on in the troubled and turbulent life of my kids, and how life is unfair because mommy’s favorite word is NO!

I will have a few posts up very soon, some new and some from my old blog that I would like to move over!

Thank you for reading, Please follow me on any and all Social Media I have!

Love, Happiness and Other Pretty Things

Ashton <3

The Mommy Dilemma

What do you do first…. ?

Last night, you caught a case of the “fuck-its”, where you looked at that pile of laundry that needed to be folded and said, “Fuck it.”

The kids actually went down to bed at their proper bed time, no fighting at all! And you look around at the toys… Snack plates, sippy cups, bottles and a few stray Cheerios “hiding” under the TV stand… It’s only 8 pm, you have time to do all the cleaning, unload and load the dishwasher, fold the laundry… But just as you are getting out of the chair, you say “Fuck it!”

You find that home spa kit your husband bought you 2 years ago, you never got to open, bust out the bath salts, bubble bath the scented candles and pour that extra large glass of wine! As the tub is filling you look at YOUR book shelf, and grab a book you have been meaning to finish for the past 4 years. You put the baby monitor on the counter beside the bottle of wine, there is no sence in wasting that tonight, because god knows when this will happen again! 

Jusat as you put your hair in the bun, and start to strip….. The baby starts to whine.

What do you do? You know by the whine, she is not hungry, dirty or sick… You triple checked everything in her crib, before you started this, that there was nothing that would fall on her, or for her to cover her face with. BUT, you know that the whine will turn into a cry, only for 5 minutes max, but in that 5 minutes the cry will possibly wake the toddler… And he will be much more difficult to passify back to sleep.

What do you do? Because, after fighting with the toddler back to sleep, the bath will be cold and you might as well start on the nightly chores and turn in to bed, because after a nights sleep, it starts all over again the next day.

Or, do you continue with you awesome case of the “fuck-its” and leave it up to chance and crawl in that nice warm bath with bubbles and lavender and rose scents, while the picture of Fabio on the cover of your book calls to you. This is an impossible mommy dilemma. 

Each mom will answer differently…

Each mom is justified in her choice…

But you know what the ultimate solution is to this dilemma…

“Oh Honey!! The baby is crying for Daddy!” 

Thank you for reading, Please Like, Comment, and follow me on Social Media.

Love, Hearts, and Pretty Things

Ashton <3

Stop The Mommy Shaming

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****Warning there will be A LOT of foul language in this post, I am sorry now.****

Mommy Shamming… We are all guilty of it in some aspect or another; I know I am every so often.

This was not what I wanted to post today; I was going to post about my day planner and my scheduling system, and how I can run my household as a single mom 85% of the time. But today, today mommy shamming hit close to home and in a way that I hope no mommy has to EVER go through or feel.

I got mommy shammed today… By two people back to back in Wal-Mart today, it actually brought me to tears!

My husband works out of town 90% of the time so I am left to do everything with my 2 year old son and a 6 month daughter in tow. Since yesterday was a bad day we didn’t go get groceries, but we needed go today because I was out of baby food, formula and training pants for my son as well a few things for meals I wanted to cook for the next 2 weeks. I loaded up the kids, stopped at MacDonalds for a small frie for my son because I can put him in the cart with the fries and he is good as gold the whole trip…. Not today, I am running on maybe 3 hours of sleep because my daughter is teething and it seems to be the end of her world. I go to put my baby carrier on at the store and discover she is now too big for it and it is now weighted down too much and sitting wrong on her and on me. So I put my son in the big part of the cart and put my daughter in the seat and strap her in, as she can sit independent for the most part. My son starts acting like an ass-hole right away, standing up when the cart is moving, not holding my hand when I try and get him to walk alongside me, throwing EVERYTHING out of the cart when I stop, including 3 glass jars of baby food…. that was the final straw.

I had the main things I wanted so I head to the check out and he is still being just so unbearable. So I pick up my daughter carry her in one arm, put my son in the seat, strap him in and he is being terrible kicking me as we walk to the front end. If I wasn’t out of important things I would have dumped the cart and just fucking left.

I never yelled at him but I whipped out that mommy tone a few times. So here I am, trying to control my terrible 2 year old son who is missing his daddy, while holding a little girl in one arm and unloading everything with my other arm, he got the point where I stopped grabbed his chin to get him to look me right in the eye and I said “What is wrong with you today? Where is mommy’s good boy? Why are you being bad? Why are you such a bad boy today?”

And then I hear it from 2 tills over this woman, in her early 20’s, pipe up “You shouldn’t call him bad.. It will give him a complex and grow up damaged.” That was it, she hit that raw nerve I had tried so very hard to calm. I looked over to her in smug face and said “With all due respect, Fuck off.” And went back to unloading my cart with one arm, then I hear that voice again “You really shouldn’t swear around your kids, they will repeat it.” And at this moment I forgave my son because as clear as day I heard him say “Fuck Off”.

I of course gave him heck and said “No, that is a grown up word.” and ignored the woman, still watching, across the way.

Then I hear from behind me, “Well now you know you should have only had one kid, because obviously you can’t handle the two of them.” I look up to see this perfectly manicured, picturesque young mom pushing an expensive baby stroller while an older woman, I later learned it was her mother, unloads the groceries from her cart. Before I can open my mouth to verbally punch her in the face, her mom steps in and brings her daughter crashing down from her high horse.
“Who called me at 11 last night, again at 2 am and 4 am, in TEARS, because your son refused to sleep? As well as the 3 nights before? Who BEGGED me to go grocery shopping with her because they couldn’t handle the idea of their 7 month old in cart while they shopped was too much for them? I did this with you and your 3 brothers and you were exactly like her son. So you say you’re sorry and shut your face. YOU are being BAD.”

I gave the mom a small thank you smile, paid for my shit, loaded my kids in the car, my stuff in the car, turned it on and just fucking broke down in tears.

I have done the bad shops with my kids, I get my shit and get out, and get over that stress when we get home because I am in my safe place and after 20 to 30 minutes he is back in his calm rhythm and my son again. I can handle that stress, its mommy stress, but getting called out… twice! For doing nothing but minding my own business broke me. I didn’t yell, I didn’t hit, and I didn’t threaten my kids… Don’t get me wrong he was on a time out for a long while in his room with all his toys locked up and all the books he had when we got home.

But that was my business, and it was being handled as best I could. Once it was all said and done, both kids were calm and happy the whole ride home, and good the rest of the day… Well, after his time out Spud was.

Please don’t shame other mamas. Please.

Thank you for reading, Please Like, Comment, and follow me on Social Media.

Love, Hearts, and Pretty Things

Ashton <3

Day Care Dilemma

When your baby is born 4 months early like mine, means he may be 11 months old actually but developmentally he is only 7 months old. Even then some preemies are more behind than that, it all depends on the type of issues and complications surrounding their stay in the hospital and NICU, anyways going on to my dilemma.

I have to go back to work very shortly and even though my husband works days and I will be working mid-nights our son will still have to go to daycare so mommy can sleep for a few hours. My husband will be working 7:00 am till 3:30 pm and I work 11:30 pm till 7:30 am, DJ will have to go to daycare, and I am feeling very torn about this whole thing. I will need sleep and there is an overlap that my husband and I will not be there, but we are trusting out technically 8 month old by then with a stranger in a day home. I went and talked to her and saw her home and it all seemed great and wonderful but I had this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach about the whole thing. I am not sure if it was just anxiety about having my son go to a day home, or if I just felt something off about the whole thing. There were kids there and they seemed great and happy, but again, she said he will be the youngest she has there and the next youngest is 2 and I don’t want him to be left behind or have another kid get jealous and hurt him.

Don’t get me wrong I am a pretty laid back mom considering the circumstances , but the thought of a kid over a year older than my kid hurting him bothers me. There is also the fact that my child has a deficient immune system from being born so early so colds or a flu could land us back in the hospital for an undetermined amount of time, or even back on oxygen in a worst case scenario.

I know that seems like a huge jump, but I have left him with sitters before that were not family and he has spent weekends away from us since he has been home and even a few times while he was on oxygen. I am not a helicopter parent, and I can be away from my child but there is something about that, that bothered me. I am wondering about a few other options, as well as the cost of daycare these days are ridiculous. My son would only be there from 6 am till noon Tuesday till Friday and that will cost  $800.00 a month, and that’s a cheap place. One Lady was going to charge me $2000.00 a month just because he is a Preemie baby.

I wish there were more options for a working mom with a Preemie baby. There doesn’t seem to be many these days.