Hey There Everyone,
I have always thought I was a strong person, I always thought that I could tackle most things that have been placed in my way. But I am having issues being the strong one these days. I feel like there are very few people who really understand what I am going through and I am having a very hard time in figuring out, how to be that strong person I once was. The mom who walked into the NICU with a smile for 157 days, the mom who learned every last thing she could about having an O2 dependent baby and still get groceries and live life as best we could.
I was a strong mom every time we walked into the preemie follow up clinics, and knew they were going to tell me a long list of things we will need to work on. We did, and I was a strong person when we got pregnant again. After one miscarriage, and a severely premature baby, I was strong and held on as much hope and strength I could muster in those 41 weeks. We did it, we had our full term baby, there were some meltdowns, but really who wouldn’t expect them from a preemie mom, pregnant again chock full of hormones and PTSD.
I am a part time single mom these days, my husband’s job has taken him to work out of town, I have my parents close but they both work full time still as they are the young hip kind of grandparents, my best friends are 45 minute and 2.5 hours away. I talk to them all the time but it’s not that easy to just load my kids up and go to the park these days, my son is way too busy, he has no fear and is very friendly, and my daughter puts EVERTHING in her mouth. So going to the park I have Princess Tally in the stroller at all times, and trying to follow Spud as he climbs over EVERYTHING trying to jump off things and just running off because he thinks it’s funny.
I know this is all part and parcel of being a 3 year old, but it also has a lot to do with how his brain is wired due to his disorders. He doesn’t fully understand what is going on, and my husband is amazing and tries so very hard to help me when he is home, but our routine is different than it is with me so the kids look for me, knock on the door. I am the one who runs the household, I make sure bills are paid, money is where it should be, groceries, attempting to clean the house, doctors, specialists, watching all the food intake of both kids, how much juice they are having over water. I am a mom, I know this is what stay at home moms do, and I know that there are moms who are worse off than I am. I get that I do, I am not saying my plight is worse than theirs, I am saying in my situation I am unsure how much longer I can be the strong on. I am the mom of a special needs child, and his needs are not visible. I had a little boy ask me why my son talks funny, I never thought he talked funny, and I just said that he needs a little more help learning to talk, and what came out of his mouth just blew my mind…
“Did you not teach him right or is he just stupid?” and his dad just stood there looking at me, as if I am supposed to answer that…. The moms who deal with this daily, I am sorry, I feel for you and you ladies are strong, you fathers who deal with this daily, you are strong and brave parents and I will ALWAYS make sure my children know that is not right, you don’t stare you don’t point, you are kind and make friends with everyone. We are not the same but we are all amazing and equal.
I am alone, and I don’t feel like I can be strong very much longer, but I know also, that after this pity party, I will go kiss my sleeping babies on their heads, pick up the toys, load the dishwasher, go to bed and do what I need to do and make sure my kids are happy, healthy and always get what they need in life.
I know it’d my first blog post in a long while and it’s whiney and all over the place, but I needed to get this out. No matter the special need of your child you do feel alone at some point, and it may go away, it may stay a while but you never give up, even when you think you might.
It took me a week to write this, my son had had cabin fever and decided to not listen and always play rough with his baby sister. It’s been hard and I have called my mom friends and my mom in tears a few times because it was that hard, and my son would run as soon as the door was opened and I am alone so I would have to pick up the baby and boot after my son or worst leave her alone in the living room and get him, only for a minute but it’s still never safe. I was at a loss, I called the Doctors in the clinic and its all part of his disorders and he needs to be in school in the fall. I am hoping we can get this done and ready very soon.
I am sorry for the rambling post; I will have better ones out soon. I promise,
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Love, Hearts, and Other Pretty Things.