I was watching TV today and Roseanna was on, it was an episode I had not seen, Darleen went into labour at 28 weeks and ended up delivering two days later. I am looking at how they depicted the NICU and how the doctors handled the family. I was looking at how they were trying to stop labour and all the machines that they were using. I kept thinking is that how the NICU really looked at that time in the early 1990’s and how they would have handled a 28 weeker on ventilation, and telling the family that the baby was going to die and then tell them the best idea would be to take the baby off ventilation.
It brings me back to when my son was 6 days old and was dealing with pneumonia and was on Osolation ventilation, the Jet, and nitric oxide trying to help him breath along with the medications for the sickness. And one doctor told us to star thinking about how far we wanted to push this. And it made me feel for these fictional characters, and a mother in our NICU pod this morning. Having only just said hello to your child to make the call to say good bye.
I was in the NICU pod when they brought her little one in and I saw all the doctors dealing with the little one and hooking her up to the vent and jet to help her breath. Hooked her up to meds and all those fun things that preemies get to experience while us parents look on helplessly wanting to just hold thier child and make it all better like we are programmed to do. And it all looked like what my son went through when i left for home that night. I smiled and wished them the best as I left. I come in the next morning and the parents are still at the bed side, I smile again but didnt say a word and went to check on my son. After rounds, I curled up in my chair and read my book and soon fell asleep. I woke up to binging and banging people causing a rukus and people talking in panic voices. Then I heard that cry, one that made my heart just shatter for this poor mother and father, they hit the Code Blue button and after 30 minutes of trying, they could not revive the little girl. Just listening to that mother cry made me cry quietly and look at my little boy and wished I could do something or anything for them but i knew I couldnt.
The point of this entry my seem all over the place but thats how my thoughts are these days, I start in one place and end in another. I am just counting down the days when i can hold my son without having to aske permission.